XB1 Review: Goat Simulator

Looks like things ended baaaaaaaaadly for the man in orange...

Looks like things ended baaaaaaaaadly for the man in orange…

By: Quinn Potter

As you probably know, Goat Simulator is a game that lets you try your hand at being a goat. It’s awesome and it’s finally on Xbox One.  And yes, being a goat is every bit as weird, wacky and wonderful as you secretly hoped it would be.


Simple and easy. There’s nothing wrong with the controls. Easy to go forwards and backwards, jump, head butt, lick and use your special ability. Nicely done.


Graphics are clean and are a marked improvement from the fuzzy presentation of Goat Simulator on Steam last year. Things can get a little glitchy in tight corners, but, you know, in real life, goats get glitchy in tight corners, too.  (Ok, for realz, this is from the product description and it’s pretty spot-on, “MILLIONS OF BUGS! We’re only eliminating the crash-bugs, everything else is hilarious and we’re keeping it • In-game physics that bug out all the time • Seriously look at that goat’s neck”.)

Sound is pretty good. There’s a contemporary, upbeat, light jazz rift smoothly bouncing along in the background, but it can get a little repetitive. Your goat makes cool sounds, so that’s a bonus. You can bah, lick, trot, paw the ground or emit a fairly award-winning human-sounding scream.


So, yeah, let’s say you wake up one day as a goat. First, you’ve got to figure out where you want to roam – Goat City Bay or Goatville. Each setting has a number of secrets and epic discoveries, so there’s really no “better” choice here. Just try them both out and start messing around. Goat Simulator is basically an open-ended game of exploration that rewards you for wreaking havoc and causing damage. (YESSSS!)

Second, be a goat. The more you explore, the more destruction you cause, the more points you get, the more you unlock. Soon, you’ll get to choose what kind of mutation you want — tall, ripped, Italian Dinosaur, repulsive, angel, goatborn (versus dragonborn, get it?), deadgoa7 (any Deadmau5  fans out there?), or queen. Your choice depends on your playing style.

Angel Goat is one of the easiest to move around because you can float. This means you don’t have to worry when you fall off the side of a tall building or rocky cliff. Ripped Goat will heatbutt things a lot farther than usual, while goatborn yells at things and sends them flying. Goat Queen will call in peasants (of course), and Repulsive makes things fly away from you when you touch them.

It’s super easy to change your goat’s characteristics, so don’t worry about making too much of a commitment. The key is to get out and start exploring. In Goat City Bay, you can check out the Amusement park (complete with rollercoaster, Ferris Wheel, the Rotator, bouncy house, mechanical bull and petting zoo).

You can also check out buildings (go investigate the Deadmau5 party zone on top of the tallest building to play with fireworks), go for a swim in the bay, ride skateboards at the skatepark, run wild with goaty abandon in the streets, chillax on a beach, or catch some nature on the rocky trails.

Goatville has a construction site, a low-gravity testing facility, a goat-fighting arena, houses, Coffee Stain studio headquarters, hills with paths, a demonic goat-pentagram place (yes, really)… and so much more. Run up walls, do front and back flips off the trampoline, get abducted by aliens (TOTALLY FREAKING COOL) – it’s all here.

Collect goat statues to unlock features such as classy goat or feather goat. (No, I’m not describing them. They are just too funny. ) Oh yeah, and make sure you climb the tower and go in the top room to explore. Goats will literally be throwing themselves at your feet to worship you. AHHH, FEEL THE POWER!


So cray cray it’s over-the-top hysterical… and kind of addictive. The developers of Goat Simulator practically beg you to spend your money on almost anything else, but don’t. I have real goats and they are equal parts cute, annoying, and weird, but they’re not nearly this much fun. This game will really get your goat. Go on, you know you want to try it.

About Herija Green

Avid gamer, adventurous lover and all-around damned handsome man...
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